I woke up feeling exhausted today—not just physically, but mentally and spiritually, too. I wasn’t looking forward to the day ahead. A big part of me just wanted to escape, run away to the ocean, and listen to nothing but waves for the rest of my life.
Lately, things have felt heavy. I haven’t meditated in over a month, and my energy has been low, especially with the effects of severe PMS and ongoing health issues. Yesterday, one of the toilets in the house broke, so now five of us are sharing mine. The house has gotten messy after weeks of struggling, and today I finally had the capacity to start tidying up after letting other priorities take over.
I’ve also been questioning whether my gym membership is worth it right now, since I haven’t gone much lately. I feel lazy and irresponsible. There are quite a few things in my life that feel uncertain at the moment, and not knowing how or when they’ll fall into place is wearing on me. Someone please rip off this band-aid so I can move on.
It’s in moments like these that self-doubt easily creeps in. I start to question whether I’m handling things well, or if I’m failing as a person. Thoughts like, “Every time I start to make progress, some bullshit happens,” often show up. And when they do, it’s hard to feel like an enlightened being or like I have anything of value to share with anyone. Who am I to give advice when my own life and mental state feel so chaotic?
But here’s something I’m learning to remember: being spiritually connected doesn’t mean we’re immune to stress, frustration, or fatigue. It doesn’t even mean we’re particularly likable or reliable all the time.
We are living a human experience, and that includes not always having the ability to “handle our shit.” Becoming the ideal version of ourselves comes with many challenges. And anyone who claims to have it all figured out is totally suspect, in my opinion.
The Illusion of Spiritual Perfection
There’s an idea—often unspoken but deeply ingrained—that spiritual growth should look calm, clear, and consistently “high-vibe.” That if we’re doing the inner work, we should be able to stay centered all the time. We should be perpetually unbothered. That healing means we’ll somehow stop feeling overwhelmed, sad, reactive, or unsure.
But that’s a fairy tale.
The truth is, growth is not neat. It doesn’t happen on a schedule. It doesn’t always look enlightened. Often, it looks like showing up to a messy house with a messy mind and doing the next small thing. It looks like forgetting your practices for a while—and then remembering them again. Because you know that some growth is better than none, and that all-or-nothing thinking is a cop-out.
It looks like crying in the parking lot because work was horrible, or feeling resentful about something you thought you had already moved past. It looks like making progress, then hitting a wall where everything comes to a standstill.
None of that means you’re failing.
Growth Hides in the Hard Moments
One of the hardest parts of personal or spiritual growth is that we often can’t see it when we’re in the middle of something difficult. It’s only in hindsight that we realize, “Wow, I handled that differently than I would have five years ago.”
This happens to me more often now in my 30s. Things feel more stressful in many ways—but that’s because I’m managing more than I ever could before. I’m learning new skills every time I take on a new combination of tasks. So when I think about things more fairly—about how much I’ve done and how much better I’m able to recover—I realize I’m actually crushing it.
That’s why I reach out to people close to me for reassurance. They remind me how well I’m really doing, especially when I feel like I’m about to give up.
When we’re struggling, we tend to assume we’re backsliding—which feels discouraging. But often, we’re just deep in a new layer of healing. Growth can look like feeling your feelings instead of numbing them. It can look like setting a boundary, saying no, or simply resting when your body asks you to. It can look like letting go of things you used to get hung up about because you have a healthier relationship with your priorities and values.
Growth doesn’t always feel pleasant. It’s often uncomfortable. Sometimes it feels like confusion. Sometimes it feels like grief. Sometimes it feels like questioning whether you know anything at all.
That doesn’t make your growth “less than.” Growth is complex. It’s hard. It can be beautiful—but it’s often a hot mess.
You’re Still Growing, Even When “Everything Sucks”
It’s okay if you don’t feel like your “highest self” every day. The idea that spiritual people should always be calm, peaceful, or positive is a form of perfectionism that disconnects us from the actual lessons we’re meant to learn.
Perfectionism is a danger to growth. It prevents us from accepting who we are and where we are. It halts our progress the moment things look less than ideal. In many ways, perfectionism is the antithesis of improvement.
It’s okay not to feel your best—but don’t beat yourself up for it. You’re going through enough. We are allowed to be spiritual and messy. Sacred and struggling. Healing and still hurting. And sometimes these “low” moments become our greatest teachers—especially when we have the space to reflect on them.
You’re Doing Better Than You Think
That’s it. That’s the message.
You might not be able to see it, but it’s true. The fact that you’re here, reading about how to “do better,” is proof that you are invested in yourself. And I’m in awe of you—not just the “you” you hope to become someday, but the “you” you embody right now.
Closing Reflection
Your journey doesn’t need to look perfect to be sacred. Let your life be what it is right now. Let your heart be honest. Let yourself be tired. And know that you’re on the right path—even in the moments when it doesn’t feel like it.
Practical Exercise: Trace Your Growth Through the Mess
Purpose: To recognize personal growth that’s often overlooked in difficult moments.
When to Use: When you feel like you’re falling behind, not “spiritual enough,” or stuck in self-doubt.
Step 1: Find a quiet space.
Take a few breaths. Settle into your body. You can light a candle, hold a grounding object, or sit somewhere you feel safe. If it helps, meditate for a few minutes.
Step 2: Journal these three questions:
- What has felt especially hard or messy for me lately?
(List whatever comes to mind—emotions, situations, behaviors, or challenges.) - In what small ways have I shown up for myself or others during this time?
(Even something simple—resting, asking for help, or setting a boundary—counts.) - If I imagine looking back on this season a year from now, what might I see differently about who I was becoming?
(Try to shift from surviving to evolving. What might this experience be teaching or revealing about you?)
Step 3: End with a grounding affirmation.
Write one sentence to anchor yourself in compassion and perspective. Here are a few to choose from—or write your own:
- “I am growing, even when I’m struggling.”
- “My progress is real, even if it looks quiet.”
- “I honor my humanity as part of my spiritual path.”